I found myself enjoying that moment again the lonely path in front of me, nobody or nothing to distract me from what I was doing. The solitude of running I was relishing in it once more, it had been a while since I felt that comfortable within myself..
Fast forward to December of last yr when the wheels started to come off again. We lost Pam my mother in-law to Cancer, she was my wife's best friend not just her mum. My son lost his gran who doted on him, she spoiled him rotten but I couldn't deny Pam her one pleasure in the end. I lost a woman I very much respected and loved also.
Cancer I hate it as it knows no empathy, I took part in a Ultra White Collar Boxing Event - my way of turning a negative into a positive. Raising money for Cancer Research while smashing my anger and frustration out in training. It helped as it let me be strong for my wife & son when they needed me most. I had control over myself and knew I wouldn't lose it when it got hard - I was grateful for that chance at least..
December is month I dread not because it's Christmas and I'm Scottish ha ha ha. Lost our first son in December a few yrs back, you never forget you just learn to hide it better I suppose. This year was going to be extra hard, Christmas Day itself was a numb affair. I made a promise to myself, that I would spend more time with my family and stop training and doing events - they needed me to be there for them..
As a family we moved house once more I had changed job and started up on my own doing odd jobs - Building Maintenance as such. I was rather relaxed and happy no guilt with eating and drinking all the wrong stuff too. Life was on the up for us as a family happy days. As soon as we could we went a visit up to see my auld Dutch, I was warned beforehand that I'd be in for a shock. What I saw was harder than I imagined fuck me!!
My mum was never the biggest of builds with her choice of lifestyle, but she looked so frail. I remember crying while driving home that night while my wife & son slept in the car. My mind was thinking the worst and dreading what was going to come, I knew what was going to happen, life never bloody comes that easy..
We had gone on holiday for a wknd up to a Straven Park near Edinburgh - it had been booked before I knew how bad my mum was. Jake needed some fun time hell we all did after Pam. What a start the alternator belt had gone in my Golf on the drive up, 4hrs in a lay-by waiting to be rescued by the AA playing eye spy ha ha ( Wendy hates that game ). Still we had a great laugh, I mean it was pointless getting upset and I told Jake it was an adventure start to the holiday..
I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't shitting myself at the thought of losing my mum..We had fun during our time near the capital, doing some Tours and the famous spots. My mobile rang a phone call from my brother on our second last day, mum's in hospital can you come up bro? Yes straight away my reply, I sat on the bed knowing then that I'd need to be the strongest I'd ever been before. I wept into my hands sitting on the edge of the bed as Wendy come in to see what was wrong..
I'm fighting with anger as I put this down, the failings of so many people that knew better ( GP - Doctor ) resulted in my mum killing herself slowly over the yrs. Freedom of choice my mums own free will, I was told for about a yr solid. I was concerned 2 yrs before my mums passing about her lifestyle and eating habits it fell on deaf ears.. The one person I blamed mostly though was myself - call it guilt for not seeing her as much, I could've gone to see her more. That said but with everything happening to Pam how could I....
I took myself up the Merrick the day after my mums funeral - with 35lbs on my back. I needed solace once more and being with my Bergen in the hills gives me that, it was a stunning day weather wise. I could see somebody in front of me heading up towards the Merrick after clearing the woods - go on see if I can chase them down I told myself. I felt good surprising I hadn't trained in months four to be precise, the odd 3 miler that was it and the odd boxing 1-2-1 with Nick Hands ( great guy ) at Unity Gym.
I gave it everything to catch the person in front but whoever it was they were hill fit. I found to my surprise at reaching this marker point before the saddle it was a woman. We got talking it was the anniversary of her fathers death 1 yr - he had liked the Merrick as they'd been there together once she told me. No wonder she was fit she has Snowdon on her backdoor step she had explained, as I had said I was trying to catch her up before the marker point. I then explained why I was up there, we both wanted our own solace I suppose...
The Merrick in the photo below..
I wished her well and made my way, even though it was a warm day and the sun was up it was very cold up top. I could see the snow on the top in the distance, I quickly put my smock on and made my way to the trig point. What I said to my mum shall stay with me - I left and made my way back pushing myself as hard as I could on the return down. A quick smile and nod to the lady I'd met and my best wishes to her on her journey. I was smiling on the way down.
I had booked up for the Para's 10 before the start of the year, before all of this had happened..I booked up for the Winter Loadstone Series with T.S.F.E after discussing it with Wendy once we got home. I had started training for it and to my surprise I soon noticed how out of shape I'd become, not just physically but mentally. I quit I stopped training didn't want to even go running which I loved.. I was getting anxious about work drying up - the house needs to much doing to it - I didn't want to do it.
I was struggling I'm not afraid to say it, my one release was running I had come to hate it. My confidence had ( has still in some aspects ) gone I hate being a burden to anybody. I hated myself I hated me for hating fitness, the one thing that's helped me for so many yrs now I didn't want to do... I had looked at my friends for inspiration as they were smashing training left right & center I tried to push myself nothing didn't want to do it, I even stopped walking my loyal loving black Labrador Oscar as big a distances now.
Something had to give and then I saw on my FB feed the #22 for #22 days press ups challenge. To help raise awareness about PTSD and those taking their own life's.. Focus this would give me something to work on - I completed it and started to fundraise for Veterans Lifeline a fully Registered Charity. Since then I've completed two events for them which was Fort William Marathon & RAW - River Ayr Way Ultra my very first Ultra. In my Bawbag wisdom I would do Fort William with weight - 45lbs Bergen & Boots and make a very hard Marathon even harder. I joined my good friend Mr "Hunter" from Hell Week fame who was also testing himself once again. My fundraising link below if you would like to HELP also the website link for Veterans Lifeline - if you know of someone who has struggled since leaving the Forces.
https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/billymckie1
http://www.veteranslifeline.co.uk/
If you're a novice runner like me then you will not go wrong giving both of these a try. They have excellent scenery great courses fantastic Marshals and support - Fort William you have the stunning backdrop of Ben Nevis and yes the route is slightly hilly in parts ( for those that run only flat Marathons for quick times try testing yourself ). It's a mixture of trail paths - road - pavement and back to dirt roads and trail, the Canal path is a wonderful flat bit and great support from the lovely boats that pass by. Trust me from 14 mile to 22 mile you welcome that break from some undulating terrain then it's all gradual uphill till the Finish Line. The trying to sleep in the back of my Golf the night before wasn't ideal prep for it to be honest but added to the adventure - the drive back to Durham straight after was coffee induced ha ha ha...
All of this above would put me in good shape for my very first Ultra at Ayr in the South West of Scotland ( my Bawbag logic ) 40 miles from Source to Sea route. Yes it's downhill as such but do not be fooled ( 1400 ft of elevation ) it's rather undulating and pretty technical in bits with your footing, if not you're going for a swim in the wonderful River ha ha ha. I could not pick fault with any of the event though the stunning scenery Marshals and support are top drawer ( for the life of me I don't see the appeal of running in a City ). Finishing at Dam Park was special as its on the the running track would I do it again - hell yes I loved it. That said doing it from Sea to Source would be very cheeky and I'm led to believe they have done that way before in the past so who knows..
I'm a new to the Running & Endurance scene 2013 my very first event ever started with the Paras' 10 at Catterick a 10 mile mixed terrain trail run followed by their TAB the year after ( 35lbs Bergen & Boots ). I had completed two Marathons in 7 days in 2014 - Loch Ness my very first Marathon & Kielder my second. Kielder was the best scenery and course by a country mile, which is a jewel in the crown for Northumberland and the North East of England.
I have continued to do the Parsas' 10 as it's pretty close by and was my very first ever event so for that reason I will do it as long as I can...
I then come across a great company called Avalanche Endurance Events. Run by Ken Jones a remarkable man and his trusty Directing Staff ( DS ) all ex Special Forces. The Fan Dance at Pen Y Fan is a must for those who look to push themselves against some of the best competitors going at Trail Running & Tabbing. Not to mention their ground breaking Test Week Marches which I had completed two of but down to family matters I could not continue further - I owe those at AEE a heartfelt thanks for their time and faith in me - also showing me how to beat my comfort zone!! I would not have been able to do this - I went back to Kielder Marathon 2015 and completed it with weight once again with 45lbs Bergen & Boots with Mr " Hunter" yes the TV star and one other friend simply known as the Ghost - all for Charity.
Below are the Links to all of the Events and Gyms who have helped me :
http://www.paras10.com/
http://www.lochnessmarathon.com/
http://kieldermarathon.com/
http://www.thefandancerace.com/
http://www.fitclub.co.uk/
https://www.ultrawhitecollarboxing.co.uk/
http://www.theunitygym.co.uk/
https://www.fortwilliammarathon.co.uk/
http://eastayrshireleisure.com/index.php?a=landing&id=3&sid=128&mid=150
http://www.thesfexperience.co.uk/loadstone/
It wasn't until the Friday passed I fell back in love with running again, that moment of sheer joy. I'd found my solace and was enjoying it once again. I've also started to do my body-weight reps again which I'm starting to enjoy ( never liked press ups ). I get annoyed when I see people that throw their lives away for whatever reason - bad lifestyles especially. My mum weighed less than 4 stone when she was admitted to hospital so it's not just those that are overweight - it's those that go underweight also..
These next three events will be hard as they're run by ex Special Forces - see how far they can push me out of my comfort zone once more. I have discussed it with Wendy and I'm going to retake my Level 2 Fitness again - so hard-work and study I must pass this time no excuses...
YOU have one life I recommend digging in for a fight and live it - if I can do it then anybody can... There is only one hard step to any kind of recovery and that's the first - YOU MUST MAKE IT..
Footnote... I have been very lucky to have met some of the most brilliant and inspiring lifelong friends a long the way in my travels so far. Most of them are members of the 100 Peaks Challenge Team I wish them all the very best for 2017 in what's something special http://www.100peaks.co.uk/
Me I have my own journey with another special bunch of people #France150 #DDay2017..........
Footnote... I have been very lucky to have met some of the most brilliant and inspiring lifelong friends a long the way in my travels so far. Most of them are members of the 100 Peaks Challenge Team I wish them all the very best for 2017 in what's something special http://www.100peaks.co.uk/
Me I have my own journey with another special bunch of people #France150 #DDay2017..........
