My Battle against me - Fitness

....

I found myself enjoying that moment again the lonely path in front of me, nobody or nothing to distract me from what I was doing. The solitude of running I was relishing in it once more, it had been a while since I felt that comfortable within myself..

Fast forward to December of last yr when the wheels started to come off again. We lost Pam my mother in-law to Cancer, she was my wife's best friend not just her mum. My son lost his gran who doted on him, she spoiled him rotten but I couldn't deny Pam her one pleasure in the end. I lost a woman I very much respected and loved also. 

Cancer I hate it as it knows no empathy, I took part in a Ultra White Collar Boxing Event - my way of turning a negative into a positive. Raising money for Cancer Research while smashing my anger and frustration out in training. It helped as it let me be strong for my wife & son when they needed me most. I had control over myself and knew I wouldn't lose it when it got hard - I was grateful for that chance at least..

December is month I dread not because it's Christmas and I'm Scottish ha ha ha. Lost our first son in December a few yrs back, you never forget you just learn to hide it better I suppose. This year was going to be extra hard, Christmas Day itself was a numb affair. I made a promise to myself, that I would spend more time with my family and stop training and doing events - they needed me to be there for them.. 

As a family we moved house once more I had changed job and started up on my own doing odd jobs - Building Maintenance as such. I was rather relaxed and happy no guilt with eating and drinking all the wrong stuff too. Life was on the up for us as a family happy days. As soon as we could we went a visit up to see my auld Dutch, I was warned beforehand that I'd be in for a shock. What I saw was harder than I imagined fuck me!! 

My mum was never the biggest of builds with her choice of lifestyle, but she looked so frail. I remember crying while driving home that night while my wife & son slept in the car. My mind was thinking the worst and dreading what was going to come, I knew what was going to happen, life never bloody comes that easy..

We had gone on holiday for a wknd up to a Straven Park near Edinburgh - it had been booked before I knew how bad my mum was. Jake needed some fun time hell we all did after Pam. What a start the alternator belt had gone in my Golf on the drive up, 4hrs in a lay-by waiting to be rescued by the AA playing eye spy ha ha ( Wendy hates that game ). Still we had a great laugh, I mean it was pointless getting upset and I told Jake it was an adventure start to the holiday..

 I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't shitting myself at the thought of losing my mum..We had fun during our time near the capital, doing some Tours and the famous spots. My mobile rang a phone call from my brother on our second last day, mum's in hospital can you come up bro? Yes straight away my reply, I sat on the bed knowing then that I'd need to be the strongest I'd ever been before. I wept into my hands sitting on the edge of the bed as Wendy come in to see what was wrong..

I'm fighting with anger as I put this down, the failings of so many people that knew better ( GP - Doctor ) resulted in my mum killing herself slowly over the yrs. Freedom of choice my mums own free will, I was told for about a yr solid. I was concerned 2 yrs before my mums passing about her lifestyle and eating habits it fell on deaf ears.. The one person I blamed mostly though was myself - call it guilt for not seeing her as much, I could've gone to see her more. That said but with everything happening to Pam how could I....

 I took myself up the Merrick the day after my mums funeral - with 35lbs on my back. I needed solace once more and being with my Bergen in the hills gives me that, it was a stunning day weather wise. I could see somebody in front of me heading up towards the Merrick after clearing the woods - go on see if I can chase them down I told myself. I felt good surprising I hadn't trained in months four to be precise, the odd 3 miler that was it and the odd boxing 1-2-1 with Nick Hands ( great guy ) at Unity Gym. 

I gave it everything to catch the person in front but whoever it was they were hill fit. I found to my surprise at reaching this marker point before the saddle it was a woman. We got talking it was the anniversary of her fathers death 1 yr - he had liked the Merrick as they'd been there together once she told me. No wonder she was fit she has Snowdon on her backdoor step she had explained, as I had said I was trying to catch her up before the marker point. I then explained why I was up there, we both wanted our own solace I suppose...

The Merrick in the photo below.. 

I wished her well and made my way, even though it was a warm day and the sun was up it was very cold up top. I could see the snow on the top in the distance, I quickly put my smock on and made my way to the trig point. What I said to my mum shall stay with me - I left and made my way back pushing myself as hard as I could on the return down. A quick smile and nod to the lady I'd met and my best wishes to her on her journey. I was smiling on the way down. 

I had booked up for the Para's 10 before the start of the year, before all of this had happened..I booked up for the Winter Loadstone Series with T.S.F.E after discussing it with Wendy once we got home. I had started training for it and to my surprise I soon noticed how out of shape I'd become, not just physically but mentally. I quit I stopped training didn't want to even go running which I loved.. I was getting anxious about work drying up - the house needs to much doing to it - I didn't want to do it. 

I was struggling I'm not afraid to say it, my one release was running I had come to hate it. My confidence had ( has still in some aspects ) gone I hate being a burden to anybody. I hated myself I hated me for hating fitness, the one thing that's helped me for so many yrs now I didn't want to do... I had looked at my friends for inspiration as they were smashing training left right & center I tried to push myself nothing didn't want to do it, I even stopped walking my loyal loving black Labrador Oscar as big a distances now.

Something had to give and then I saw on my FB feed the #22 for #22 days press ups challenge. To help raise awareness about PTSD and those taking their own life's.. Focus this would give me something to work on - I completed it and started to fundraise for Veterans Lifeline a fully Registered Charity. Since then I've completed two events for them which was Fort William Marathon & RAW - River Ayr Way Ultra my very first Ultra. In my Bawbag wisdom I would do Fort William with weight - 45lbs Bergen & Boots and make a very hard Marathon even harder. I joined my good friend Mr "Hunter" from Hell Week fame who was also testing himself once again. My fundraising link below if you would like to HELP also the website link for Veterans Lifeline - if you know of someone who has struggled since leaving the Forces.

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/billymckie1
http://www.veteranslifeline.co.uk/

 If you're a novice runner like me then you will not go wrong giving both of these a try. They have excellent scenery great courses fantastic Marshals and support - Fort William you have the stunning backdrop of Ben Nevis and yes the route is slightly hilly in parts ( for those that run only flat Marathons for quick times try testing yourself ). It's a mixture of trail paths - road - pavement and back to dirt roads and trail, the Canal path is a wonderful flat bit and great support from the lovely boats that pass by. Trust me from 14 mile to 22 mile you welcome that break from some undulating terrain then it's all gradual uphill till the Finish Line. The trying to sleep in the back of my Golf the night before wasn't ideal prep for it to be honest but added to the adventure - the drive back to Durham straight after was coffee induced ha ha ha...



 All of this above would put me in good shape for my very first Ultra at Ayr in the South West of Scotland ( my Bawbag logic ) 40 miles from Source to Sea route. Yes it's downhill as such but do not be fooled ( 1400 ft of elevation ) it's rather undulating and pretty technical in bits with your footing, if not you're going for a swim in the wonderful River ha ha ha. I could not pick fault with any of the event though the stunning scenery Marshals and support are top drawer ( for the life of me I don't see the appeal of running in a City ). Finishing at Dam Park was special as its on the the running track would I do it again - hell yes I loved it. That said doing it from Sea to Source would be very cheeky and I'm led to believe they have done that way before in the past so who knows..

 I'm a new to the Running & Endurance scene 2013 my very first event ever started with the Paras' 10 at Catterick a 10 mile mixed terrain trail run followed by their TAB the year after ( 35lbs Bergen & Boots ). I had completed two Marathons in 7 days in 2014 - Loch Ness my very first Marathon & Kielder my second. Kielder was the best scenery and course by a country mile, which is a jewel in the crown for Northumberland and the North East of England.
  I have continued to do the Parsas' 10 as it's pretty close by and was my very first ever event so for that reason I will do it as long as I can...


  I then come across a great company called Avalanche Endurance Events. Run by Ken Jones a remarkable man and his trusty Directing Staff ( DS ) all ex Special Forces. The Fan Dance at Pen Y Fan is a must for those who look to push themselves against some of the best competitors going at Trail Running & Tabbing. Not to mention their ground breaking Test Week Marches which I had completed two of but down to family matters I could not continue further - I owe those at AEE a heartfelt thanks for their time and faith in me - also showing me how to beat my comfort zone!! I would not have been able to do this -  I went back to Kielder Marathon 2015 and completed it with weight once again with 45lbs Bergen & Boots with Mr " Hunter" yes the TV star and one other friend simply known as the Ghost - all for Charity.

Below are the Links to all of the Events and Gyms who have helped me :


http://www.paras10.com/
http://www.lochnessmarathon.com/
 http://kieldermarathon.com/
 http://www.thefandancerace.com/
 http://www.fitclub.co.uk/    
 https://www.ultrawhitecollarboxing.co.uk/
http://www.theunitygym.co.uk/
 https://www.fortwilliammarathon.co.uk/
http://eastayrshireleisure.com/index.php?a=landing&id=3&sid=128&mid=150

http://www.thesfexperience.co.uk/loadstone/

It wasn't until the Friday passed I fell back in love with running again, that moment of sheer joy. I'd found my solace and was enjoying it once again. I've also started to do my body-weight reps again which I'm starting to enjoy ( never liked press ups ). I get annoyed when I see people that throw their lives away for whatever reason - bad lifestyles especially. My mum weighed less than 4 stone when she was admitted to hospital so it's not just those that are overweight - it's those that go underweight also.. 

These next three events will be hard as they're run by ex Special Forces  - see how far they can push me out of my comfort zone once more. I have discussed it with Wendy and I'm going to retake my Level 2 Fitness again - so hard-work and study I must pass this time no excuses...

YOU have one life I recommend digging in for a fight and live it - if I can do it then anybody can... There is only one hard step to any kind of recovery and that's the first - YOU MUST MAKE IT..

Footnote... I have been very lucky to have met some of the most brilliant and inspiring lifelong friends a long the way in my travels so far. Most of them are members of the 100 Peaks Challenge Team I wish them all the very best for 2017 in what's something special http://www.100peaks.co.uk/

Me I have my own journey with another special bunch of people #France150 #DDay2017..........

RAW - Veterans Lifeline.

Hi there,

A little Intro : 

I'm a 43 yr old family man & a keen runner and Tabber though I'm still a novice at it ( TAB  it's a military term - Tactical Advance to Battle ). I've never served but I take part in Military Fitness Events - it's moving at speed with varied weights in a Bergen with Boots over distances and varied terrain. 

Where do I begin with this Blog I ask myself today, I suppose from the Friday the day before RAW Ultra?! River Ayr Way Ultra ( RAW ) as it's known, your feet are after it I suppose. Well my feet were if I'm being honest, no doubt a couple of toe nails will be replaced a big one especially - anyways let a Podiatrist worry about that.

17th of September trying to sleep in the spare bed as I didn't want to wake my wife at 2:00 am ( fat chance of sleep 3hrs tops ) I had a 3hr 30 drive in front of me leaving from Durham up to Dam Park Ayrshire - I won't bore you with the journey lets just say I drive like I run. I picked up my race number and registered with Anneke a lovely woman who runs the event - I also chatted with a few other runners.. 

I wasn't sure if they could sense that I was as nervous as a bag of Cats! I'd never run an Ultra before - a couple of Marathons but never an Ultra - said I'd never do one thought they're nutters ( laughing ). Here I was a virgin so to speak I soon found out I wasn't alone on that front. A young man I was talking to just wanted to challenge himself - so he signed up for it. 

Me I was doing it for a Registerd Charity I feel strongly about Veterans Lifeline - they help those of our Armed Forces serving and ex serving cope with PTSD & other mental health issues arising from what they've witnessed during conflicts. 

The link below if you wish to know more about what they do - 

http://www.veteranslifeline.co.uk/

We made our way over to the bus I'd made sure I had everything I needed for the task at hand - Camebak ✔️ - light running jacket ✔️ - Snickers ✔️ - Ibuprofen & Paracetamol ✔️. Arrived at Start point had to go for the obligatory pre run wee it's standard. Mingled talking to other runners - getting our photos taken by the Event Photographer. I was kicking my heels and just wanted to go, I had been warned by 2 members of the Veterans Lifeline March Team not to go off fast...

I could hear my friend big Dave's words in my head ( 5mph Billy ) nothing quicker. Well when you've pushed yourself to go as fast as you can in training it's hard to ease off ( 11-12 min miles not done that since I first started running 5 yrs back ). Line up called and a thank you to all competitors for taking part in the 10th Anniversary of RAW Ultra..Seeing runners fly off from the start was hard but I resisted the temptation well. The link for for RAW is below I'd recommend it to any first time Ultra Runner or seasoned - 

http://eastayrshireleisure.com/index.php?a=landing&id=3&sid=128&mid=150

My Garmin was beeping more than I'd wanted, that would teach me to arse about with settings when half a sleep the night before. I sorted the issue with some beeping of my own and settings pressed and re start. I carried on running and got talking to a young man called Ben about the 3 mile mark - little did I know then that we'd finish together across the line. Both of us being first time Ultra runners we hit it off straight away - a bromance was born ha ha ha. See running with Ben it was an honour & a privilege - I got to meet his amazing support team ( family ).

I won't mention the getting lost for a bit down a marsh track trough some woodland 🙊 Apart from that little detour which we both agreed would help build the miles up - it was a laugh. The Marshalls and support at the CP's are simply amazing - they do help no end an Endurance Event can't operate without them. We carried on getting high 5's from Bens two children and his wife - a humour that was needed when she told Ben to take more MTFUP pills. I was crying with laughter I like you wife I laughed. 

Ben ran a 28 miler in prep for this - I Tabbed Fort William Marathon with 45lbs Bergen & Boots for prep with a good friend. I struggled physically that day but in East Ayrshires stunning countryside I was having fun. Ben was struggling with his hammies from about the 20 mile mark I think - his mental strength to see it out to the end is a testament to him as a man. He struggled in bits but refused to give up - you can't not respect that attitude. We talked about Mental Health and how important it is in life - that's why I was doing the Ultra after all. 

I asked Ben if he'd video me at the end of the race as I had to complete my #22 press ups for 22 days Challenge by doing 44 - he said yes! We talked about next yrs events the Jedburgh 3 Peaks Ultra,  I explained that I would be part of a special Team doing a 150 mile March in France for Veterans Lifeline. You can find out more about that on this link below - 

https://mydonate.bt.com/teams/vlmarch17

Both Ben and I owe our Charity's and those who sponsored us 4 miles each, we found out that the course is 40 miles and not 44 miles. It was close to that distance last year,  because of diversions in place we found out later on in the run.  We hit Ayr and boy was Ben moaning my hammies - he even beats me at moaning and that's saying something... 

A couple of shots on the route - 

Well it wasn't  the sprint finish that I had wanted as I hadn't planned on being with anybody else. That said I'd still be running around Ayrshire now if it wasn't for Ben - massive Kudos to you Ben on not only completing your first Ultra but kicking it's arse!! Will I run the RAW Ultra again - YES..... 

Thank you for your time in reading my experience at my first Ultra. 

#Scotland #Ayrshire #Running #GetOutside 

Kielder Marathon & Friends

I said I wouldn't do another Blog as I've not done a Test Week March or Fan Dance recently. 

That said I'd be doing Avalanche Endurance Events and some of their patrons & my friends a disservice if I don't. So I'll not bore you with my breakfast or my training but the good parts of a fantastic day with great friends.

 4th of October location - Kielder Marathon Northumberland the jewel of the North East - I park my car one row behind my friend and fellow Fan Dancer John "Machine" Hunter of BBC Hell Week fame ( none of that has gone to his head by the way ). Great handshakes and smiles all round, he shares with me a coffee and we talk about the great weather and what's in store #pain 

We sort our kit bags out grab our Bergen's both 45 - 44lbs respectively and board the bus. We arrive at the Events village about 09:00 get our bags in holding bays then get booted up. The Bawbags are ready only waiting on a fellow Fan Dancer to arrive. We make our way about the Events Village.

It's not long before my friend with me is spotted by his fans - you see them pointing going is that him it is isn't it - do you mind if we get our photo taken with you they ask - yes he replies with his warning smile. So I take some photos for them which I enjoy as I get to rib him later on. I check my watch where's Owen I'm asking myself he should be here with coffees. 

John was even asking what could've happened to him, I did explain that he'd finished work and would be driving straight up so should've been here before us. More fans spot John you were my favourite they'd say as they pass me the phone - you don't mind no not at all I say  - I'm killing myself laughing inside though as it's more ammo to fire at him ( Rob Paine would love this I thought ). 

We get interviewed by a guy with a video camera - sorry I get nudged out of the way as "Hunter" takes over ( howling here true story ). Owen eventually arrives as we're both mid - interview all is good now. I'm thinking bloody hell he's sweating like a Sunderland fan, so he tells us what's happened - we kill ourselves laughing then shake hands. 

We quickly make our way up to the Start area we go into the sub 5hrs group - we meet some cracking people in here a bunch of guys from Wisconsin USA. A lady who's run the Transilvania Marathon - yes you guessed it another fan of Johns another photo. The Start is delayed that many people still making there way. Then it's said over the Tannoy - only the sun shines on the righteous we laugh loudly. 

Boooom it's showtime gents rolling start ok guys I say, man I should know better I don't do that. Neither does Owen by the looks of it he's off like a rocket, hard to imagine as his Bergen was heavier than both of our Bergen's individually. The reason I know I lifted it before the Start so did our American running friends. We pass a photographer I'm starting to pull away I'm in my stride ( the zone ). A little distance between us now at the 3 mile mark - I'm not racing my friends I'm just doing what I do my own thing. 

John catches me this guy is phenomenal as lot's of my friends know though, but to be 10yrs my senior and still smashing this out tells you it's own tale. We laugh about me being his PA and wondered  how Owen is doing as he'd dropped back a little, we thought it was because he was going so heavy but admired his ability to do it. I noticed my Garmin wasn't playing ball and missed the first 3 mile. We push each other on the words of encouragement from runners was unreal ( thank you all ). 

He's got Marshmallows and or feathers was a favourite to which our Bergen's where full of. Hit the 10 mile mark and boom under Para 10 P Coy time of - 1:50:00. I told John he was happy with that but bloody hell it was a hard old slog here, up down up down up down. John went Billy look up ahead and bugger me I near fell over - a man I greatly respect DS Stu Bigg. He jumps down asks how we are feeling - said we're doing good time and takes a quick photo for us both.

 

He asks for Owen we tell him he's a little behind, so he said he'd stay to see him also - no other Events Company would do that Tough Mudder - Spartan you name it they simply wouldn't - this is what makes Avalanche Endurance Events a breed apart #AlwaysALittleFurther

This gave both of us a burst of energy as we crack on at a good pace, we push each other on backwards and forwards. We both are thinking how Owen is doing I just know it, you look out for each other that's what you do. Stu appears again further on we're slower a little by now but he's happy to see us and tells us to keep going - we ask about Owen he was 7 minutes behind us and soaked through with sweat. Up down up down up down it continues but bloody hell it's stunning running here in this place. 

We reach the Dam wall it's the only bit of flat ground on the whole course and it's road & pavement for about 1 1/2 mile give or take. Both me and John are feeling it my left shoulder was hanging for about 5 mile. We quickly March this bit we're slightly on edge a bit as it's flat open and thinking Stu is watching us ( I'm thinking he'll give us sickeners for not running this bit ) John laughed as he knew he would. I heard John go bloody hell - low and behold beside him is Owen ( the Ghost ). 

I never swore much that day honest but fuck me I swore then - how in the good name of fuck did you catch us with that on your back?! Stu had met him and said we was a little in front, then a runner he'd passed had told him we'd not long passed him. He saw us and went for it - bloody hell he wasn't joking me and John where stunned at how quick he'd caught us. I knew if Owen you see we both did the Winter Fan Dance Back to Back - I tabbed a good part of it with him a solid athlete. 

We ran passed the Start Line for the first Kielder Half Marathon - Owen pushed us both on here he told me we could still make sub 5 hrs. I said I'm with John we've come this far - John said bollocks that Billy go for your time mate - Owen reminded me I was doing it for Charity. I never looked back Owen pushing me hard to about the 21 mile mark. I felt a new lease of life my second wind a little, picking of others in front. I kept feeling bad though about leaving John he came up here to help support me and challenge himself. 

Mile 24 I was spent a real struggle to run on the flat the downhills I was ok though. Backwards and forwards we'd passed the same two women from Swallwell Running Club for a good bit of the marathon - the banter had been good but by this time we couldn't speak. Everybody I met and passed was hurting in their own way. Then I saw the last 800 metres sign - it was time to suck it up and puff out my chest I was wearing my 100 "Peaks" Challenge top - be proud. 

Hand slapping a wee boy sprinting to the finish and low and behold here was Stu on my left shouting me on. Billy stand beside the clock I'll take your photo he shouts - I get my medal for my son wee Jake and go see Stu we shake hands and wait but not for long - Owen then John both getting their photos taken - then one of the three of us. We get a lovely cup of tea brought over to us by Stu in the changing tent.

 We make our way up to the car which Owen said was 1/2 a mile away. Stu says his goodbyes to us all - we all thank him for his great show of support for the three of us. We take the piss out of Owen bloody hell mate where's this motor like - luckily two women take pity and gives us all a lift to his car over a mile away. 

You never know what you're capable of unless you seak it out - without these Events I wouldn't have done this fact. It changed my life for the better - 

http://www.specialforcesevents.com/iron-man.html?typography

This is also what made me so proud to wear that distinctive top at Kielder Marathon #BeInspired #BeInspiring 

http://m.100peaks.co.uk/

The Charity I've done it all - 

http://www.soldierscharity.org/

Thank you all for the donations and messages of support it makes it all worth while X 

Fan Dance 2 #24hrs

While I was waiting for John Nicholson getting his arse of the Fan after his first lap of 4 in 24hrs, I cut about congratulating everybody on their times. Rob ( I'm not feeling it )Paine smashing it in 2:57:00 odd, bloody unreal time he just can't help himself I think. Mike Smith 2:38:00 some people can't even do that running normal, I've only another 1hr to shave off my time..

John come down of the Fan, I saw him and his wife Debs and told them I was ready, he knew where to find me after he recovered. I spoke to Karl as he was beaming another PB, Phill Williams my partner from Point to Point another PB, he's quick but not the sharpest at reading the T - shirts we had on show.

 I had asked John if I could do his 2nd lap Clean Fatigue the wk before, his reply you feckin lightweight, so I told him to fuck off in reply. I got the call I'm ready bawbag, I told Karl I was hoping to back for 7-8 pm cool he said as I was wanting a healthy feed and some laughs. Clean Fatigue wasn't exactly true I had a More Mile Baselayer on I swear by their kit, it's never let me down yet, a pair of jean shorts and my Paramo Velez smock. I looked like a tramp but I wasn't giving a fuck! 

We set off up the incline and I'm almost certain I heard one of the DS say where's he going, anyways nobody could stop me I had made a promise to my friend. We met Gerald Nick McCarthy coming down, the first I'd saw him all day, he was amazed at Johns Challenge and shook his hand and mine, we got our photos taken with him and his big mate. Gerald was hurting he tore his calf muscle again, yet here he was wishing us all the best for our trip out. 

Humility is a rare and wonderful thing, he was hurting as he knew his FD days are near over, but yet here he was beaming for for us giving us a firm handshakes, so off we went smiling after that. We soon made our way up to the kissing gate, John was in good spirits we got to have a right good laugh at Buttercup1 and the rest of the Bawbags recapping some of the banter that had passed. We spoke about how me and John first started that little band of nutters. 

We soon pass where MST1 was positioned, I talk to John about his crazy Challenge and what it means to him and why, he really is a cracking man. I was telling him that what he's doing has raised the bar for others. He can't grasp this as he says he's slow and not very quick like others me included, I tell him that he's smashed his comfort zone regardless of Fan Dance times! I explain the best I can without getting a bit arsey, it's not always about time it's the effort put in..

I continue to tell him that he's the craziest bastard I know, well not counting Rushen because he's another basket case for insane challenges. I told John that I couldn't do what he was doing, my traps were killing me, it was a relief to have my Bergen off fact. Telling him that even the quickest of cats like Mike Smith and Rob wouldn't even be mad enough to go out again. John then tells me about his Achilles problem with it scarring I'm stunned by this, he's kept it a secret and not let it hamper his efforts. 

We hit the summit and go down Jacobs, I'm talking to John and he's listening bless his cotton socks his ears must've been on fire.. He takes his Bergen off the stretch his hips out and back on again, we talk about all sorts on the way to turnaround point. The topics family - dreams - children and fears, it was during one of these talks that I had to look away, the tears running down my face. 

I change the subject back to fitness and stuff, hoping he hadn't noticed that I'd sprung a leak. We hit the Roman Road, he goes over on his ankle and winces in pain, I ask you ok mate - gritted teeth yeh I'm fine?! Just before we hit the Forest track he stops to do some admin to his feet, a little blister but annoying all the same. We hit the RV and low and behold the Brokeback Boys - James Nicholson and Matt Borders. 

I help James fill up Johns Camelpak with water, I get a banana off James as I was fucking starved and only had an energy replacement drink. I use the term banana very loosely it was the driest thing I've ever tasted it was shit, even Matt tried a little and his reaction alone said it all. I still ate the fucker under protest to James. He made me a cheese roll to make up for my disappointment, it was braw though the best ever.. John was struggling to get all his down, but he ate more than half of his hot meal. 

We said our farewells and I told them to keep it clean, as Matt kissed his fingers and grabbed his balls, I was crying with laughter John goes what's so funny - you don't want to know bro honest hahaha. Back along the RR and Johns pace has slowed a good bit, and the laughter has dried up now, I know where is he's in his own personal hell, nothing I can do will change his feeling inside. I could see Jacobs in the distance, my heart sank not for me I was feeling great, but for John this cunt would level the best of men, I was worried now for Golden Baws.

I still chatted hoping to break up the endless steps for John, I could see the sweat run off his face, get some fluids down you bro he did. We passed Windy Gap the pace was slowed right down now, I wanted to carry his Bergen and ease his suffering it's not nice watching a friend do that to himself, pushing to breaking point. I told John I wasn't happy that nobody was doing Lap3 with him, that's the hardest of them all, at night on his Jack. 

The mind can play tricks with you cruel tricks at that, the 3rd is the most crucial as the 4th he could do on adrenalin with ending the game. He tells me that he's struggling for the first time, that he feels sick, he burps and gets some wind up. We get to the bottom of the false summit, my second time coming this way I'm carrying fuck all though John has about 40lbs or more. Little steps bro I repeat over and over, I tell him about Staff Bigg and CT Fletcher I get a laugh at least. 

We have a visual of the top of Jacobs we stop for a breather for my mate, I was in awe of his stamina as it was the first of stops so far on the way back. Not far John now I see a bird of prey of the top of Jackbs I was gutted as my phone was dead to get a picture! We're about 4 metres from top and John stops suddenly as l stop he's ash white and he's sick. I make sure he's ok and we get to the top safely. 

Get fluids in you now John he did, we continue on he feels a little better now, he asked the time I told him, he's disheartened I could tell, I said if it takes you 30 hrs so be it. He agreed to this I didn't want to show to much concern but I was worried, I mean really worried about lap 3 now and what could happen. He was near in tears as he said he couldn't quit not now! My heart was bursting for him, he said he didn't want to let everybody down.. 

I changed the subject trying to keep him positive we cracked on, ok John just one little incline left then it's back to Debs and boots off and recover. He smiled at that thought so through the gate we start to go down, then he stumbles out of the blue, bro you ok? No he replied - what's up I said - I feel dizzy he says - I'm alarmed now ok stop for few minutes and breathe, get some fluids in you also a sweet. I tell him I'm going to link my arm to his, are you fuck he says! I'm walking backwards downhill now, as I'm worried he'll go over..

He must've had another 5-6 dizzy spells as we get near the bottom, I could see Debs she's waiting for her man, we reach Debs I take his Bergen off and tell her straight away what's happened. We cross the road over to the van, we both take Johns boots off he's destroyed physically not mentally though I thought.. He needs food and fluids Deb, but she knows this all ready, I tell her if he needs more rest between lap 3 he's to take it..

I say my farewells trying hard not to show my concern to Debs as I didn't want to put extra worry on her. 

I put the keys in the ignition at 8:00 pm and I cried in my car......